Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
