I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
