First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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