The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
