it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
