Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
