My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
