either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
