he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
