I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
