I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
