I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"