I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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