Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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