If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
