Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Randomize
