I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
