god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
