All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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