I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
