I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
