is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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