if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
