everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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