I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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