I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
