What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
3pm strippers are depressing
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
