they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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