Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
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