drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I think your dad took our porno
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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