Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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