Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
