My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize