Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
