I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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