Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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