its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
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Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
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is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I came so hard my ears popped.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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