the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
