im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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