Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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