guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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