she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Randomize
