Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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