They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
can u get pink eye on your cock?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
