How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
