God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Randomize
