dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
