So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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