remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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