his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
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My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
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i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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