chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
