God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
