so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
