before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
