There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
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I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
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When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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