last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
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We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
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EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
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