Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
